Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’m going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. “Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?”
“Of course!,” says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. “What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?”
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the states of Texas, Tennessee and North Dakota were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this!”
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner and smoking a cigarette!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
What not to say to the nice policeman…
- I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
- Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- Bad cop! No doughnut!
- You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
- Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
- So, uh, you on the take or what?
- Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- What do you mean, “Have I been drinking? You’re the trained specialist!”